DENTS n SCRATCHES

Hey ya'll; I've missed you. And as always doing some in depth self reflections and I've been thinking about something that happened a few months. While in deep thought driving (I do not recommend), a truck pulled up next to me, at a light, and the passenger was hanging out their window to get my attention. I looked around to make sure they were talking and sure enough I was the only option. Anyways, I rolled down my window and the gentleman was telling me that if I pulled over he could look at my door and give me an estimate on how much he could fix it for. 

Let's rewind, my car - a gray Toyota Corolla, was stolen by someone I know and taken for a midnight joyride while highly intoxicated. This person then hit a whale; I'm assuming, because the entirety of the driver's side was dented and scratched. When I tell you I threw their blacked out tails from my house like uncle Phil did to Jazz in the Fresh Prince of Belair, identical scene. I was livid. I can't even explain to you the anger that I felt. It was MY CAR, MY MONEY, AND MY INVESTMENT, and A BETRAYAL OF TRUST! 

Anyways, back to the creepy guy yelling at me hanging out of his window. So, I tell the guy no thanks as he is trying to convince me with a green light and cars honking. I politely roll up my window and continue thinking. Why don't I want it fixed? I won't lie, I would get sick whenever I would look at it because it reminded me of so much shame, guilty and disappointment. Let me explain. The person who did it was a so-called "live in boyfriend." This whole situationship just a BIG NO-NO. So many red flags leading into the relationship but when you're emotionally numb you feel invincible. So, why not erase that memory by fixing the door?

Well, the car wasn't mine. The bank still owned it and I wanted the car to be mine before making any changes. I wanted to take back control and ownership of the things that I had worked so hard to obtain. However, that wasn't the main reason. I wanted to keep it as a reminded to never go back there. There were plenty of times in this situationship that I asked myself "What am I doing? How did I get here?" Listen, when you have no sense of self-love and worth you allow people to rip, shred, and burn boundaries that have kept you safe. The dented doors were my reminder that I am the only one that allows for the dents in my heart. 

One thing I want to point out is even though my car has a dent I still have always been so proud of it; it is so beautiful, why, because it's what I work so hard for. I would be remiss not to think that's how God looks at us. Even with our dents and scratches we are the most beautiful things, why, because he is proud of his creation. He handcrafted us and He is proud of His art. I am learning to be proud of who I am and who I am becoming even with the dents and scratches. So, now that my car is paid off I am looking into fixing the dent in my car but I know since I took the time to heal (pay off) I won't forget this lifelong lesson. Even though I caused the dents in my heart, my heart is not destroyed and has the capacity to heal. my heart is still beautiful and so is yours. Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes and continue to break your own heart. Allow time, hard work and God to heal you and take control back and begin to love yourself as God loves you. 

Wish me love 💜