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ATTACHMENT

Hi again! I know it's been ages and I apologize as that was not my intention. This last month and a half has been very trying and difficult. However, there is no excuse; writing helps me to release stress and I should've been writing. Anyways, throughout this difficult season we moved to a new place! Thank God - our last place was a dungeon. There was no natural light in the house and it took a toll on my mental as I thrive in the sun. In the process of moving I realized how dis-attached I am to material things. 

I am always so ready to get rid of everything. I would not hesitate to leave everything behind and buy all brand new things. As a matter of fact when people are attached to things it bothers me. So I got to thinking and was wondering why it bothers me so much that people have things that they don't want to get rid of. Am I the problem? Am I not normal? 

I mean I most definitely am not normal. I think its hard for me to get attached to things because my mother passed away when I was so young. I think I am acutely aware of my time on earth and tend not to attach myself to so much because I know its all temporary. I learned that lesson so young that it has affected me in every aspect of my life. It wasn't until this move that I realized just how unattached to most things I am. The same is true with people; I keep everyone at a manageable distance - some semi close and most far. How can I expect people to stay in my life if I feel everything can be gone in a moment's notice. 

Of course this made me think about my relationship with God and how I only let Him in so far. I can admit in the last few years I have opened up to Him more but how can I expect Him to pour out his blessing to me as his child (relationship) if He doesn't know me. How can I say I have an intimate relationship with Him when I keep him at an arms length. Nothing about that is intimate. My dad always breaks down the word intimacy to "IN TO ME SEE". I can see that by not attaching myself to anyone or anything has caused me to have a thick wall around my heart that no one can see through - not even God. 

So while not being attached to material things is ok, not attaching myself to Christ isn't. Treating everything as dispensable can cause a riff in relationships that I want long term. I pray God never seems me as disposable; I would be devastated and I am coming to realize that others may feel that way with me. It's a harsh reality but that may be a reason why I feel like things are so temporary. People may feel no connection to me and leave because there's no value being added to their life.

I pray if you struggle with attachment as I do that you learn this lesson soon enough and evaluate how you visualize relationships. Maybe unknowingly, like me, you're doing the same thing, keeping God and those you love at an arms length away because of the fear of them leaving anyways. Once thing I know is He will never leave you or forsake you. Those are his vows to us. He will never leave us. I am learning to depend on this and I hope you will too. 

Wish me love 💙

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