APPETITE

 It's been a while and I missed you. The last blog was all about how I am not ready for a relationship. Since then and exposing myself to the 50 people who read this blog, I have been doing alot of praying. Praying and asking God to change my appetite. At first this prayer was directed toward my physical appetite. If you know me, you know I do not like vegetables. I am actually allergic to most in my brain. Like my mouth repels veggies, or at least it used to. It didn't take long before I started to feel like the over processed foods I was used to eating all tasted fake and plastic-y. It left a foul after taste. So, that got me thinking. 

Of course, I have to take everything to a deep level because that's how God made me. I began to wonder why I allowed myself to eat the way I was, to gain the weight that I did. I came to a conclusion to made me incredibly sad. Because I didn't understand why I wasn't accepted in past relationship, like they didn't "choose" me, I gained weight because I felt I wouldn't be attractive. If I'm not attractive then I wouldn't have to worry about a relationship, and if I am not worried about a relationship then I don't have to worry about being rejected. 

I was always told I was different. They would try to explain it like I was "too good" which honestly just felt like a cop out. I never believed it; in my mind I would convince myself it was the very opposite, I was no good and they felt they could do better. Like girl, no one said that, not a soul, how did I come to that conclusion? I just wanted the idea of a relationship and the option for one to disappear. I was taking it into my own hands by gaining weight. I decided I would just be a good friend. I'm a great friend to my guy friends and that would be my role, because like they said...I'm different. 

Anyways, when I asked God to change my appetite, He did. He did it in more ways than I had initially meant or anticipated. I realized I began to desire a healthy Godly relationship. Something I truly never thought I would say. I began to desire a completely different lifestyle - one full of homemaking, homemaking y'all, what even is that?! I crotcheted scarves for my nephew and daughter...in one night. I am over here making food from scratch, desiring a garden. Huh?! what's happening. Do you know you grow vegetables in a garden, why would I want that? My appetite is what's happening. It was and is changing. It's changing and preparing for a life that I once desired and accepted I wouldn't have. 

So, now I'm freaking out. haha. I'm just playing. As I said in my previous blog, I’m learning to trust God. Trusting myself still feels foreign and unsafe and maybe that's for the best, however, trusting God is the best thing I can do. And it's He who is changing my desires. I am realizing being different was God’s protection. I'm learning that when I was told I was different many meant it as a compliment. There was something about me that they knew they couldn't mess with, and while I would love to take ownership of what that is I know better. I know it's not me; it's God in me.

I hope you realize that God didn't change my appetite until I was ready. Scripture says He stands at the door and knocks. He's a gentlemen. He doesn't force His will or desires on us. He waits for our desires to line up with His. He stood at the door waiting for me to open it with the prayer of "Lord, change my appetite for the things that align with you and the things that positively impact my body." 

The rejection truly has been protection. He protected me from abusive, violent, controlling men. Men that would have silenced my spirit and preferred me walking around with my head hanging down. Men that would have gaslit me to death. Literally. He protected me from the very people that never made me feel safe, seen, or loved. God made me different on purpose and I know that the right person will see that difference, love it and step up to protect it. God changed my appetite, perspective and willingness to be loved. Now on to learning how to accept that love...and vegetables. 

with love 💚