UPDATES

    Ya'll - it has been a minute! That's a figure of speech which makes no sense because a minute is a very short amount of time but in this figure of speech it represents a long time. Anyways, I'm sure there's a word for that sort of situation but I don't know it. How are you? Man, it truly has been a year since I have written something. I honestly have had a lot I want to say and so I have said nothing. I know I'm not the only person that happens with and I'm sure that's a result of ADHD. Something about being overwhelmed all the time really just paralyzes me. It seems like my brain never stops and even when I have rested I wake up exhausted. Maybe that's a part of motherhood. I honestly am not sure. You like how I just threw that in there. Motherhood. Yes, I am a whole mother. It's been a year and I still can't believe I am someones muvah (my British accent). I am honored and absolutely terrified at the same time. 

    I don't know what this blog is going to be about but I just felt to write. Everyone is asleep and I can't go back to sleep because my daughter just upchucked all over the place and never woke up. I am not sure how kids can do that but...talent. Don't worry she is good she's laying next to me snoring. It is the cutest snow you have ever heard I can guarantee it. I honestly just wanted to write and give some updates because well; it's been a year since my last post and only one in that year so we have some catching up to do. I had a daughter last September. Labor, pregnancy, and birth were completely fine; it was very easy. I am grateful I know that is not most people's story. However, post birth for this momma was ROUGH. I bled ALOT and had to have what felt like 100 stitches. Recovery was a little rough, I experience eclampsia and cardio megaly (an enlarged heart) which was strictly due to pregnancy. I missed my father's wedding because I had heart issues (pre-birth). Honestly, I would do it all over again to have her. I had so much anxiety about giving birth that I never talked about. I constantly worried because as I understand it, my mothers birth story with me is less than desirable for a mother. 

    While pregnancy was great emotionally/mentally I was a wreck. When I say a wreck I mean a TRAIN WRECK. I cried myself to sleep more than I would ever like to admit publicly, I had more anxiety attacks than I did after my mother passed. I called my cousin in the middle of my work shift with complete breakdowns. It was a time, let me tell you; it was a time. It was a combination of heartbreak, feeling absolutely less than and not worth much, to coming to the realization I was going to be a single mother. It was all what felt like too much. And at the very same time I grew the most in my spiritual walk; I spoke to God more than every before. I read my word more and had at least one dream a night. I am not joking I averaged 2 a night. He was talking to me every night. I clung to God more than every before because without Him I'm not sure I would have made it. Now, you're probably saying, "ok, Vash thats dramatic and it was not that serious," and to that I say "it very much was." I not only had to deal with heartbreak, being a single mother but being without my mother and dealing with the father of my child and his new partner. It was ALOT. I held a lot of emotion and pain in. Actually, I completely held my pregnancy from nearly everyone at my church and social media. I announced I had a baby and was pregnant 6 weeks after she was born. It was the best decision I made during that season because I needed it to just be me, Jesus and those I really trusted. 

    During that season I did A LOT of healing. A lot of mourning, a lot of processing and understanding God's love. I did a lot of crying out and being vulnerable with God and trusted loved ones. I practiced a lot of self control and have never been so grateful for mercy and grace. It's amazing how during that season of darkness he was preparing me for the next season which would be the first year of my daughter's life. She was diagnosed around 9 months to have a rare cancer called retinoblastoma. She has a tumor in her eye and it pushed her retina forward and detached it. It looks insanely cool because you could see her veins but I knew something was up. God was still speaking to me very often and told me around the 3 month mark that she had retinoblastoma and that she would be ok. Again, during this season He spoke to me constantly, during the day, in my dreams, even when I would doze off for two seconds. It was incredible because He walked through the entire thing with me. He built my faith to a degree I never thought I would experience. The peace I had was something I can't describe. She is now cancer free and still brightening the entire world with her personality and smile. She is completely a miracle and I have faith that he will bring complete healing because He told me He would. The surgery she underwent removed her right eye completely but watching her walk through that with resilience is just astounding. I haven't been able to write much since then, I even started a podcast right before this season called "The Being Healed Podcast" and to be honest I haven't been able to say much there either since surgery. That ends today. 

    Starting the podcast and walking through her cancer I spoke faith and there was no doubt. I thought the miracle would happen during surgery. I thought she wouldn't actually need surgery. But she did. It doesn't mean I was wrong it means I was limiting God to my own understanding and He doesn't work within our means. In fact, during surgery He spoke to me and told me I was limiting Him and to stop. I knew then surgery was happening but that just meant that He was going to do even greater. I am so grateful He works outside of my terms. I guess providing this update really is a reminder that if the mountains of life were smooth you wouldn't be able to climb it - the rough terrain provides a place for gripping. It's important we remember that this is just a mountain and it is not long term. Just walk with God and climb the mountain. Sometimes He won't move the mountain He will just help you over it and if He decides to not move it; it's because there is something on the top of it that He knows will better your life and make you a better person. It will be a lesson worth learning.

    So now we are 4 months cancer free and God has continued to do SO many miracles.  Maybe I will write about them soon because they all have come with lessons that have changed the foundation of what I believe and who I am. I am so grateful for each lesson because it gave God a chance to create absolute miracles. There is nothing that can happen that can make me question if He is real because I have literally felt Him hold me in those quiet lonely nights in my room rocking myself to sleep. I have felt Him in the hospital walking along side me on the way into the dr office to get her diagnoses. I have felt Him in the hospital room when they rolled her away crying looking for me. I have felt Him in the hour of surgery when I literally felt my body shut down and my breathing stop. I have felt Him post surgery when I stared at her in amazement just trying to process what all happened in two weeks. I have felt Him and I pray you feel Him too. I pray He holds your hand, I pray you feel His warm embrace. He loves you so much and you aren't alone. 

    Thanks for providing me with the grace for this very long quiet season and thanks for still visiting the site and reading and commenting; it really means a lot. If you haven't listen to my pod please do; I dive further into this last year there. Talk to you soon! 

with love 💛