SHAMEFUL SILENCE

This was originally written in 2021. I didn't published it then but feel to publish now:

Yes, only the third blog and we're going deep. Why wait to transform our lives? What I am realizing is the things that are plaguing our mind are the things that we aren't releasing. What isn't transformed is transferred. This is how generational curses work but that's for a different day. The only way I can explain the damage silence does is through my own story and experiences. There are SO many examples I can give in my short 26 years of life, which thinking about it sounds terrible. However, I will just give one. 

When I was younger I was taken advantage of sexually. Wow, that's still hard to write and admit. It happened by someone in the church. Yes, this happens in the church MORE than you think and needs to be talked about. The thing with abuse is there is a tremendous amount of shame that comes with. The reasons vary but I believe for many, they believe they did something to cause it. Let's pause here; NO one EARNS abuse in any manner. While the physical abuse eventually stopped the mental and emotional abuse continued up until January of this year. Yeah, I know 10+ years of some form of abuse. I was so ashamed that even though the physical abuse was done I was still allowing the mental and emotional to happen. I didn't even admit until this year that I was abuse.

Here's the thing we need to know and understand: silence cost. It cost me years of toxic thinking- feeling dirty, unwanted, and worthless. I would constantly feel the need to prove my worth because I told myself for so long you're never going to be truly loved; people will always want something from you. The shame around the situation left me crippled and I see the effects of it in everything. What I didn't realize is because I felt I did something to deserve it I was abusing myself subconsciously with the decisions I made. I would get into abusive relationships that I knew BEFORE getting in would lead down a terrible path but, because I felt I deserved it, I would open the door and invite it in. I would stay at the gym for hours working out until almost throwing up - because I deserved to work until I felt I was suffering. The tricky thing for me is what I was doing wasn't obvious to an observer because it wasn't drinking and smoking, I was working out, starving myself, sitting in my car for hours crying. I did things that others would never see. Never saying a word but subconsciously fighting a battle I was absolutely being destroyed in. 

The Bible talks about taking all thoughts captive and as I begin to heal I realize how much of my mind I was just allowing to run me. Negativity was my compass and shame and anger, my tour guides. Those two emotions jolted and shifted me down a rugged road leading to literal darkness. What's crazy is I saw the darkness and didn't turn around immediately. I didn't know how.

Yet, there was and is a God that while I was doing everything I could to destroy my life He was holding back so many things from destroying me. He never stepped in my way but He stepped in the way of many others. I cannot even begin to tell you the situations I put myself in that should have absolutely ended a different way, the places, I have been (sorry dad) and the people I have been with. I am not clean; I am broke and dirty. But it is God who's redeemed and transformed and still continues to do so. I am not saying my mindset is where it needs to be, in fact it's far from it, but I am clearer minded. I am not saying I won't make a relationship mistakes again (FORESHADOWING 👀). But I know I won't be silent and therefore shame won't control me.