I took a shower today, it's 2:30am. Life with a toddler is...strange, interesting, and ever-changing. It's hard and rewarding at the same time. She is truly such a light and my external heart. And, I am constantly battling fears and anxiety. I over think most things. I consider 18 outcomes to all situations. I internalize most things to a point where I am numb. As you know I am working on that not being the case which means I feel more than ever before. So, I want to tell you what I am feeling.
This coming Sunday is mother's birthday and the following Wednesday is a cancer screening for my daughter under anesthesia. I find myself clenching my jaw literally as I write this because even though my emotions have been stagnated for years my body remembers and feels it all. My jaw tightens, my body contorts inward, my face crinkles - all at the thought of Wednesday.
The day my daughter went into surgery, I was completely numb. As you know, it has been my survival technique since my mother got extremely sick and was in the hospital for 4 months. I wanted to remain strong then and I needed to remain strong. I remember being in the room holding my daughter, praying and going through the 18 outcomes that I had been obsessing over for days in my head. I realized that one of them was she never come back the same, or at all. After handing her tiny body to the doctor, I headed straight for the bathroom to avoid a panic attack. Something I had not planned for. I remember being in the hospital room's bathroom pacing, trying to breathe, walking in a circle, feeling so alone.
Don't get me wrong I absolutely wasn't alone. Katia's group of supports were vast in the hospital lobby and outside spaces. Each and everyone of them will always mean the world to me and yet, I felt so alone. I didn't have her dad to lean on and walk through the emotions of this all with. He didn't feel safe to me. I just walked in circle in the bathroom in between being slumped over the sink trying to catch my breathe. I was overcome with feelings that my body was trying to release but I had a strong control over. Internally, my body was screaming. Deep breathes, Vashti, deep breathes. You'll be alright. You will be ok. I walked back out and told my cousin I was ready to go downstairs to see everyone since Kati was back in surgery and would be for a few hours.
Time stood still every time I sat down so I kept getting up. I kept walking around pacing. I was on the phone with my good friend and she just talked about random stuff which helped so much. Even though she couldn't be there she was a large part of what I remember that day. I remember doing something similar when my mother was in the hospital the last time.I found a hallway with minimal traffic and I remember pacing and walking back and forth. Trying to hold it together, considering the 18 outcomes and still trying to figure out how this life would look without caring for her and laughing with her. Ya'll she was hilarious. Had I held her hand for the last time? Had I heard her machine beep for the last time.
I was staying the night at my aunt and uncle's house; they told me in the morning that she had past. I remember saying ok and walking back into the room. Pacing, trying to breathe, walking in circles, my breathing is getting heavy now even remembering it. Deep breathes, Vashti, deep breathes. You'll be alright. You will be ok. I walked back downstairs and have no memory of what happened next. Life quickly became a blur. I didn't cry until after her funeral. It had been years actually. Years.
Why am I saying all of this...because today was hard. Today was one of those days where I am so grateful that God protected my daughter and she is here with us, yet I am so confused why He took my mother. I know she was tired and this is my selfish daughter ways coming out. I know she was tired and she was at peace but trying to be a mother without one is really difficult. Yet, I am grateful because the time she poured into me was so intentional and that is how I am living my life with my daughter. She poured so much knowledge and wisdom into me. She allowed me to watch first hand how a wife (even a sick one) supports and loves her husband. She prayed every night and morning for my father specifically. I would wake up in the middle of the night to her whispering prayers, her intercession for my brother and sister who were in college. She personified grace and mercy to those around her, quick to forgive and embrace, figuratively, because she didn't like hugs.
I guess this post really is for me, to release all that I have been feeling today. It's really hard for me to verbalize because I breakdown every time so writing is easier. Writing is comforting and therapy for me. Speaking of which I probably need to start haha. Anyways, I don't want to leave you with this low point. I want to encourage you that after the rain, new life begins. You never forget the rain and storm, but to ignore the beauty that's right in front of us because the storm was so bad would be a disservice to the life that fought to spring out from the soiled then hardened ground. This isn't a biblical teaching but I often think, perhaps the tears my mother sowed in prayer that God stored in a bottle are also what God has released to water my little garden of life.
Psalms 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Isaiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
With Love 💚
Comments
Post a Comment