HEARTBREAK

Something was healed this weekend and I'm not sure I can explain what. I know the title and first sentence seem to collide and move in opposite directions but stay with me.  This weekend was Valentine's Day weekend and while I have never celebrated Valentine's Day, because what even is it? I have also never been bitter towards it. I love seeing so many being loved on even if I am not (in that way). I wouldn't consider myself a "lover girl" actually, I don't think anyone would describe me as one. However, I appreciate intentionality and Valentine's Day illustrates that for many. Yesterday, my father preached about betrayal, and I've been thinking about it since. After I explain what stuck out to me, I want to explain my weekend. 

As I mentioned my father spoke about betrayal and its effects on our heart and who we become. He said, "Betrayal leaves emotional debris." The biggest betrayal I could envision was heartbreak. We describe it that way because it can literally feel like our heart is breaking. It is said that Jesus died of a broken heart; He was betrayed by the very people He came to save. Heart break feels like death and most of that is because we can't fathom the betrayal that has occurred. How could you beat me, cheat on me, tear me down, abuse my children, steal from me, destroy our family? So, when my father said betrayal leaves emotional debris I thought. yeah, because the heart breaks. It fragments into small pieces and clutters the cavity where a healthy beating heart once lived.

He also mentioned that those broken pieces have names and those names are the actions we take after betrayal wreaks havoc on our heart and emotions: anger, bitterness, self-protection, suspicion, loss of trust, inner vows (ex. no one will get close enough to hurt me like this again). I don't know about you, but I am guilty of feeling and doing each of these things. There is no judgement if this was you too. I have always tried to see the good in others because I hope people would offer me the same grace. And while I'd like to think I am still that way there are many things that have hardened a once soft heart. So, if you have ever felt this way, same, and it's ok. It's ok because Jesus had a broken heart too. The difference is the pieces of his broken heart had different names: forgiveness, grace, mercy, sacrifice. He knew He would be rejected and betrayed and still decided that dying for those very people (us) was worth it. Wow! I ain't there. haha. 

This is why forgiveness is so important, because when we forgive and ASK for forgiveness, God is able to wash away those broken pieces that have made you into someone you don't recognize.  It's our responsibility to look inward and see what it in our heart; is there anything that doesn't align with who God has called us to be and who we want to be. You have to actively work on removing those things. But how? First is asking God to forgive you for your role in the heart break whether it was during or AFTER with your actions (mentioned above) that have grown root and changed you. The repentance washes away the clutter. Once the clutter has been removed there's still a void because the heart must be restored back to health to truly want in the fullness of who you are meant to be.

So, this weekend, the infamous couple's weekend of love. The weekend where people work extra to display love for their partner. I received a call last week asking me what I was doing for Valentine's Day and I had to look up the day because I had no idea when it fell during the week. "It's on a Saturday, so no, I don't work." My friend said, "Ok I am sending you some money and I want you to go out to a nice restaurant, or go shopping, by something for Bean. I want you to know that I see you and how hard you work to help others. You're a fantastic mother and deserve to take this time to be treated as such...etc" Honestly, they said so much more and I think I blacked out. I'm going to be so for real. I blacked out. I was bawling, quietly of course. It wasn't the action of giving me money. That actually was the least of it. That week was one of the hardest I have had in a while, and I honestly can't even explain all that I was feeling. However, in this moment, while they were speaking, I could literally feel God replacing my heart of stone.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26. You may not have caused the hurt, but it is your responsibility to remain open to the One who can heal you. Now, I know this is extremely hard. I remained closed from everyone including God. I acted like I was perfectly fine and determined that I wasn't going to be betrayed again. There's a very tall, STURDY, metal and brick wall that separated me a from the possibility of more betrayal. But as hard as I tried to embrace the broken pieces and built that wall with them, I felt like a fraud. I wanted to be loved, wanted to be considered, wanted to be treated kindly, wanted to be appreciated. So, when the kind, thoughtful words and gesture was done I felt God's redemption. Did you notice in the scripture He doesn't restore the heart; He replaces it. Now, I don't want to get nerdy with you, but cardiology was my absolute favorite organ to study in college. We learned, once the heart is damaged/clogged, science says, there isn't restoration of those cells and intervention is required because the damage will continue to weaken the healthy tissue. God being the Creator understands this and handles things slightly different. While science bypasses Jesus replaces. 

The betrayal that once destroyed the healthy heart and weakened it for so long can be replaced in a moment. We don't control how or when it happens. I wasn't expecting that moment to be when replacement happened, but goodness did it heal such a deep wound for me. I am so grateful for friends that listen to the whisper and are obedient whether understanding or not. God can and will heal you and the betrayal will only be a faint memory. Now, I still have work to do because brokenness has been what's familiar to me which means that I am going to want to resort to those actions mentioned above but to remain healed I need to refer to God's actions, make those my new trauma responses. Betrayal will also be, but it doesn't have to destroy us. 

Now stay tuned for Part 2 of my weekend because I must tell you what I did for V Day weekend. :)

With Love 💚