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TODAY WAS HARD

I took a shower today, it's 2:30am. Life with a toddler is...strange, interesting, and ever-changing. It's hard and rewarding at the same time. She is truly such a light and my external heart. And, I am constantly battling fears and anxiety. I over think most things. I consider 18 outcomes to all situations. I internalize most things to a point where I am numb. As you know I am working on that not being the case which means I feel more than ever before. So, I want to tell you what I am feeling. This coming Sunday is mother's birthday and the following Wednesday is a cancer screening for my daughter under anesthesia. I find myself clenching my jaw literally as I write this because even though my emotions have been stagnated for years my body remembers and feels it all. My jaw tightens, my body contorts inward, my face crinkles - all at the thought of Wednesday.  The day my daughter went into surgery, I was completely numb. As you know, it has been my survival technique since...
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SHAMEFUL SILENCE

This was originally written in 2021. I didn't published it then but feel to publish now: Yes, only the third blog and we're going deep. Why wait to transform our lives? What I am realizing is the things that are plaguing our mind are the things that we aren't releasing. What isn't transformed is transferred. This is how generational curses work but that's for a different day. The only way I can explain the damage silence does is through my own story and experiences. There are SO many examples I can give in my short 26 years of life, which thinking about it sounds terrible. However, I will just give one.  When I was younger I was taken advantage of sexually. Wow, that's still hard to write and admit. It happened by someone in the church. Yes, this happens in the church MORE than you think and needs to be talked about. The thing with abuse is there is a tremendous amount of shame that comes with. The reasons vary but I believe for many, they believe they did some...
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I'M NOT A HUGGER

Listen, ya'll are going to get these blogs whenever I feel led to write! I hope you don't mind the randomness that is Vashti. I am up at an unGodly hour per usual and of course I'm already deep in thought. Every Sunday at church someone awkwardly stands next to me and I can see the wheels turning in their head on the decision of whether to hug me or not. I'll explain why. So, about 5-7 years ago I realized that when people go to hug me I get anxious. I thought to myself, that can't be right I love hugging my grandparents, I love hugging my nephew...and well, that's it. I'm chuckling just writing that.  My family was never big on hugging. My parents didn't really hug us. Actually in my high school graduation picture, you can see how odd me and my dad look standing that close to each other. And it's not because we don't love each other, we just aren't a physically affectionate family. We are wordsmiths so we have always shown our affection thro...
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APPETITE

 It's been a while and I missed you. The last blog was all about how I am not ready for a relationship. Since then and exposing myself to the 50 people who read this blog, I have been doing alot of praying. Praying and asking God to change my appetite. At first this prayer was directed toward my physical appetite. If you know me, you know I do not like vegetables. I am actually allergic to most in my brain. Like my mouth repels veggies, or at least it used to. It didn't take long before I started to feel like the over processed foods I was used to eating all tasted fake and plastic-y. It left a foul after taste. So, that got me thinking.  Of course, I have to take everything to a deep level because that's how God made me. I began to wonder why I allowed myself to eat the way I was, to gain the weight that I did. I came to a conclusion to made me incredibly sad. Because I didn't understand why I wasn't accepted in past relationship, like they didn't "choose...
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ME... READY FOR RELATIONSHIP?

I want to tell ya'll a story about what happened last weekend. I was at MetroMart getting some food for dinner because, well we were hungry and it was 9pm. I am there in a very faded, kinda flaking Tupac shirt with leggings and wannabe Birkenstocks. I mean bumming it and I see this tall, slender black guy and we make eye contact. I smile and quickly go back to dissecting the ingredients of cheese because for some reason they add the most  unnecessary things, even in block cheese! Anyways, I digress, so I figure out what I need and I move on to getting our favorite potstickers (I don't check the ingredients on this because I don't want to responsible). I find them, hurriedly grab a bag and start walking towards the check out. As I am passing the other frozen food aisles the man appears again and compliments my shirt. I say thank you, finding it odd because the shirt is seriously falling apart. I quickly remove my gaze and continue towards check out. He checks out with a work...
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UPDATES

     Ya'll - it has been a minute! That's a figure of speech which makes no sense because a minute is a very short amount of time but in this figure of speech it represents a long time. Anyways, I'm sure there's a word for that sort of situation but I don't know it. How are you? Man, it truly has been a year since I have written something. I honestly have had a lot I want to say and so I have said nothing. I know I'm not the only person that happens with and I'm sure that's a result of ADHD. Something about being overwhelmed all the time really just paralyzes me. It seems like my brain never stops and even when I have rested I wake up exhausted. Maybe that's a part of motherhood. I honestly am not sure. You like how I just threw that in there. Motherhood. Yes, I am a whole mother. It's been a year and I still can't believe I am someones muvah (my British accent). I am honored and absolutely terrified at the same time.      I don't know wh...
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CHURCH HURT

Hey! Yes, I know it's been a WHOLE year. It's been a long, hard, and crazy year and maybe one day I will divulge the things that have happened in the last year. During this season, there has been a few topics that I have been wanting to write about and I just haven't seemed to have the energy to do so. However, I have the energy today and am taking advantage. The other day I wrote about church hurt on my Instagram. I wrote about those that become offended by the things others say and then I received a comment essentially saying "what about the person doing the offending?" I think it's important to acknowledge that person as well because that's really where it begins.   My original post was about the fact that hurt people hurt people and the church is full of hurting people. The church is a hospital for the sick and not a museum for the saints . What I failed to mention is even if you are hurting it doesn't give you the right to hurt others. My focus i...
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