JustWrite

Something was healed this weekend and I'm not sure I can explain what. I know the title and first sentence seem to collide and move in opposite directions but stay with me.  This weekend was Valentine's Day weekend and while I have never celebrated Valentine's Day, because what even is it? I have also never been bitter towards it. I love seeing so many being loved on even if I am not (in that way). I wouldn't consider myself a "lover girl" actually, I don't think anyone would describe me as one. However, I appreciate intentionality and Valentine's Day illustrates that for many. Yesterday, my father preached about betrayal, and I've been thinking about it since. After I explain what stuck out to me, I want to explain my weekend.  As I mentioned my father spoke about betrayal and its effects on our heart and who we become. He said, "Betrayal leaves emotional debris." The biggest betrayal I could envision was heartbreak. We describe it that ...

I took a shower today, it's 2:30am. Life with a toddler is...strange, interesting, and ever-changing. It's hard and rewarding at the same time. She is truly such a light and my external heart. And, I am constantly battling fears and anxiety. I over think most things. I consider 18 outcomes to all situations. I internalize most things to a point where I am numb. As you know I am working on that not being the case which means I feel more than ever before. So, I want to tell you what I am feeling. This coming Sunday is mother's birthday and the following Wednesday is a cancer screening for my daughter under anesthesia. I find myself clenching my jaw literally as I write this because even though my emotions have been stagnated for years my body remembers and feels it all. My jaw tightens, my body contorts inward, my face crinkles - all at the thought of Wednesday.  The day my daughter went into surgery, I was completely numb. As you know, it has been my survival technique since...

This was originally written in 2021. I didn't published it then but feel to publish now: Yes, only the third blog and we're going deep. Why wait to transform our lives? What I am realizing is the things that are plaguing our mind are the things that we aren't releasing. What isn't transformed is transferred. This is how generational curses work but that's for a different day. The only way I can explain the damage silence does is through my own story and experiences. There are SO many examples I can give in my short 26 years of life, which thinking about it sounds terrible. However, I will just give one.  When I was younger I was taken advantage of sexually. Wow, that's still hard to write and admit. It happened by someone in the church. Yes, this happens in the church MORE than you think and needs to be talked about. The thing with abuse is there is a tremendous amount of shame that comes with. The reasons vary but I believe for many, they believe they did some...

Listen, ya'll are going to get these blogs whenever I feel led to write! I hope you don't mind the randomness that is Vashti. I am up at an unGodly hour per usual and of course I'm already deep in thought. Every Sunday at church someone awkwardly stands next to me and I can see the wheels turning in their head on the decision of whether to hug me or not. I'll explain why. So, about 5-7 years ago I realized that when people go to hug me I get anxious. I thought to myself, that can't be right I love hugging my grandparents, I love hugging my nephew...and well, that's it. I'm chuckling just writing that.  My family was never big on hugging. My parents didn't really hug us. Actually in my high school graduation picture, you can see how odd me and my dad look standing that close to each other. And it's not because we don't love each other, we just aren't a physically affectionate family. We are wordsmiths so we have always shown our affection thro...

 It's been a while and I missed you. The last blog was all about how I am not ready for a relationship. Since then and exposing myself to the 50 people who read this blog, I have been doing alot of praying. Praying and asking God to change my appetite. At first this prayer was directed toward my physical appetite. If you know me, you know I do not like vegetables. I am actually allergic to most in my brain. Like my mouth repels veggies, or at least it used to. It didn't take long before I started to feel like the over processed foods I was used to eating all tasted fake and plastic-y. It left a foul after taste. So, that got me thinking.  Of course, I have to take everything to a deep level because that's how God made me. I began to wonder why I allowed myself to eat the way I was, to gain the weight that I did. I came to a conclusion to made me incredibly sad. Because I didn't understand why I wasn't accepted in past relationship, like they didn't "choose...

I want to tell ya'll a story about what happened last weekend. I was at MetroMart getting some food for dinner because, well we were hungry and it was 9pm. I am there in a very faded, kinda flaking Tupac shirt with leggings and wannabe Birkenstocks. I mean bumming it and I see this tall, slender black guy and we make eye contact. I smile and quickly go back to dissecting the ingredients of cheese because for some reason they add the most  unnecessary things, even in block cheese! Anyways, I digress, so I figure out what I need and I move on to getting our favorite potstickers (I don't check the ingredients on this because I don't want to responsible). I find them, hurriedly grab a bag and start walking towards the check out. As I am passing the other frozen food aisles the man appears again and compliments my shirt. I say thank you, finding it odd because the shirt is seriously falling apart. I quickly remove my gaze and continue towards check out. He checks out with a work...

     Ya'll - it has been a minute! That's a figure of speech which makes no sense because a minute is a very short amount of time but in this figure of speech it represents a long time. Anyways, I'm sure there's a word for that sort of situation but I don't know it. How are you? Man, it truly has been a year since I have written something. I honestly have had a lot I want to say and so I have said nothing. I know I'm not the only person that happens with and I'm sure that's a result of ADHD. Something about being overwhelmed all the time really just paralyzes me. It seems like my brain never stops and even when I have rested I wake up exhausted. Maybe that's a part of motherhood. I honestly am not sure. You like how I just threw that in there. Motherhood. Yes, I am a whole mother. It's been a year and I still can't believe I am someones muvah (my British accent). I am honored and absolutely terrified at the same time.      I don't know wh...

Hey! Yes, I know it's been a WHOLE year. It's been a long, hard, and crazy year and maybe one day I will divulge the things that have happened in the last year. During this season, there has been a few topics that I have been wanting to write about and I just haven't seemed to have the energy to do so. However, I have the energy today and am taking advantage. The other day I wrote about church hurt on my Instagram. I wrote about those that become offended by the things others say and then I received a comment essentially saying "what about the person doing the offending?" I think it's important to acknowledge that person as well because that's really where it begins.   My original post was about the fact that hurt people hurt people and the church is full of hurting people. The church is a hospital for the sick and not a museum for the saints . What I failed to mention is even if you are hurting it doesn't give you the right to hurt others. My focus i...

Hi again! I know it's been ages and I apologize as that was not my intention. This last month and a half has been very trying and difficult. However, there is no excuse; writing helps me to release stress and I should've been writing. Anyways, throughout this difficult season we moved to a new place! Thank God - our last place was a dungeon. There was no natural light in the house and it took a toll on my mental as I thrive in the sun. In the process of moving I realized how dis-attached I am to material things.  I am always so ready to get rid of everything. I would not hesitate to leave everything behind and buy all brand new things. As a matter of fact when people are attached to things it bothers me. So I got to thinking and was wondering why it bothers me so much that people have things that they don't want to get rid of. Am I the problem? Am I not normal?  I mean I most definitely am not normal. I think its hard for me to get attached to things because my mother passe...

Hey ya'll; I've missed you. And as always doing some in depth self reflections and I've been thinking about something that happened a few months. While in deep thought driving (I do not recommend), a truck pulled up next to me, at a light, and the passenger was hanging out their window to get my attention. I looked around to make sure they were talking and sure enough I was the only option. Anyways, I rolled down my window and the gentleman was telling me that if I pulled over he could look at my door and give me an estimate on how much he could fix it for.  Let's rewind, my car - a gray Toyota Corolla, was stolen by someone I know and taken for a midnight joyride while highly intoxicated. This person then hit a whale; I'm assuming, because the entirety of the driver's side was dented and scratched. When I tell you I threw their blacked out tails from my house like uncle Phil did to Jazz in the Fresh Prince of Belair, identical scene. I was livid. I can't ev...

Hey Ya'll! I know it's been a while but I've been going through and I know you have too. Honestly, when I'm going through I always stop doing what helps me. Do you do that? It makes no sense. Anyways, this topic has been on my heart and it was confirmed today that I need to stop procrastinating and just get it written.  Fire. When you think of fire you subconsciously think about the dangerous characteristics. Its hot...like real hot and can be uncontrollable in some situations. We don't like it because we can't control it and that's what I think is the worst characteristic. Now, I'm sure you know where I am going with this but just keep reading.  Have ya'll been going through the fire? What does the fire look like for you? Is it hot, constantly changing, an uncontrollable situation? There's a story in the Bible about 3 men who are thrown into a fire because of their refusal to bow to the king. So the consequence was fire. They had to enter the fi...

When Sis Jayne first messaged me to speak at my church for our women's service I thought she meant to get someone else. But I know that I was meant to speak. She told me our topic was the Marriage Supper. The tile we are giving is “You Are Invited” my subtitle is “ Be His Guest ” get it like Beauty and the Beast. Don’t let that one reference fool you I know nothing about Disney!   But something about that title is so warm and inviting to me. To be included, isn’t that what we all want? In Matthew 22 Jesus is telling a parable about a wedding banquet. He compares the kingdom of heaven to a king preparing a wedding banquet for his son. He had specific people that were invited as you would any wedding right? He had prepared this marvelous feast for them.   The ironic part is no one on the list accepted his invite. Anyone see a problem with this? Like I’m sorry I’m a big girl and if you tell me food is going to be there I AM THERE. No questions asked… ANYWAYS, ...

I was reading the Bible chapter, Matthew, and came across a story that intrigued me. I spoke with my dad about it over the phone and feel compelled to write on it. Before telling you the story I hope that we can all agree that our comfort zone is our failure zone. It's a strong statement to make but I believe it to be true. The only time we fail is when we do nothing to move forward and this tends to happen when we are comfortable.  In Matthew 8:28-34 there's a story of Jesus walking through a city called Gadarenes. The city was known to have an area that was violent due to the demon possessed people that attacked anyone that came through. Of course, Jesus felt the need to walk through that specific area. The two men who were possessed approached Him and asked why He was there. There were pig herders in the area and the Bible speaks about the demons begging for Christ to drive them into the pigs. All Jesus said was GO. Now that could preach on its own. He didn't entertain t...

What makes something valuable? Objects are often given value based on who the creator is. For example, the Mona Lisa is valuable because the artist is Leonardo Da Vinci. The value has already been determined . After all, it is arguably the most famous painting in the entire world. But, the amount of care given to the Mona Lisa in the museum is what I am interested in.  As you may know the Mona Lisa sits in a glass box and is displayed behind a velvet rope. This speaks volumes to me in many aspects about the boundaries we must place to emphasize our worth. When I think of the precautions that the museum takes to keep the integrity of the painting in pristine condition, I can't help but parallel it with how we should treat ourselves. So let's talk about our worth.  Our value is based on a man coming to earth specifically to die on a cross and save us from our sins. He paid the ultimate price and placed our value over His life. If that is not the highest level of value I am not s...

     This is one of those topics that is so deep and involved that I have been hesitant to even approach it. Just know from jump, this won't be the only blog addressing this. It is always a timely topic because it is a daily struggle for many. What I have realized, for me and many others, is we limit our own worth with our toxic thinking. This can be seen as we compare ourselves to every thing and every one. Worth is a measure of value based on the gravity of a sacrifice.  We will talk more about the ultimate sacrifice committed just for you in a later blog.  Early last year I got tired of feeling worthless. I was allowing the happenings of life to define my worth. I want to let you in on a secret - life will always devalue you when you give it power . For example, in your job you are replaceable; let that sink in. Is that not a light jab to the heart? I mean the first time I heard that I was taken back, succumbed to the fact and placed value in it. I know you'r...

Hey Ya'll! I missed you; I know I missed posting last week. Hard stop-there's no excuse but I am here this week to provide another key to creating a healthy heart. Yes, it's a heavy topic and I know you're wondering what this has to do with emotional stability. Once you realize that forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person; you will see the correlation. Forgiveness is another crucial process in creating an emotionally stable life. I must admit; this for most people is not easy or simple.  First and foremost, if you've never heard it before your feelings and hurts are valid.  Period. So many times we are invalidated when we express ourselves to others that instead of the situation becoming better we become bitter. We begin to close ourselves (our heart) off to others because we don't want to feel the compiled pain anymore. I get it; trust me, I do. Let loving yourself be enough reason to forgive . Learn to acknowledge your own pain and the vali...

Well, it's fitting I am starting this week with gratitude as the first step in my heart health recovery (you know, because it's thanksgiving). It might seem like an unlikely step in a healthy emotionally stable heart but it's quite essential. Gratitude puts life in a positive perspective and it does it quickly . It has the capability of shifting moods and mindsets. That's a big deal! Our mindset and perspective on circumstances are crucial for an emotionally stable life. For me, a grateful heart was taught at an early age. My parents knew we didn't have much and instead of ignoring that fact they would lend a different perspective through gratefulness and service.  When me and my siblings were younger, my parents would take us to feed the homeless. We did not have much but what we had we used to serve others. "No, we don't have a lot but we do have able bodies and food on the table. Others don't have food and so with our able bodies we are going to pro...

Do you like science? I don't know why I asked...of course you don't. Well, if you're anything like me you LOVE science- specifically Biology. Now let's be clear; I do not have a love for physics or chemistry or even ecology (still have nightmares about that college course). While in my beloved biology courses the heart was always the most fascinating to me. Ugh, just the thought of it makes me all warm inside- is that weird? Anyways, I learned that one way we can measure cardiovascular (heart-lung) health is to look at heart recovery time. Let me explain.  During our sports and exercise lab we would run on a treadmill for a set amount of time...let's say two minutes. After, we would hop off and immediately begin to time how long it took for our heartbeat to get to the baseline beat... let's say 55bpm for me. Some people it took less than 30 seconds (the athletes), others a minute (the in-shape folk), for people totally out of shape, 2+ minutes (me...and only me)...

In my first blog I told you that I write "Wish me love" at the end of every journal entry. Let's talk about it. It started with me wanted to end my first entry this year with "Wish me luck" but I realized luck isn't what I wanted; I wanted love. Like true love. I wanted to experience love. Sounds weird if you know me even a little bit; hear me out. I don't mean like romantic love, although that would be nice. For so long I didn't accept the love from others and Christ because I didn't feel worthy of it. I didn't love me or who I was becoming. I know many can relate to that. I know many can say they still struggle with it. So do I. Maybe your life has been like mine where a lot of the friendships/relationships you valued were imbalanced. Meaning, you loved unconditionally but the other persons love was dependent on a perfect performance from you.  What a destructive way to look at love. Well lets back up...that's not love. True love IS unc...

Fitting title, huh? I know. I am obsessed with Nike. Anyways, this isn't a blog to tell you how much time I spend looking at Nike shoes and clothes this week; it was a lot and it's only Tuesday. It's to tell you that some of the best advice I have been given recently, a good ten times before listening, is just do it . I have hesitated creating this blog because I was worried no one would read it. I was worried no one would be interested in what I have to say. I was worried people would think this is stupid. The crazy thing is, I am right. There will be some who won't read it, others who aren't interested, and those who believe this is just plain stupid. However, it doesn't diminish my work or the significance that this blog could potentially have.  What I am saying is JUST DO IT in spite of those truths. Don't be like me and procrastinate for years. What are you truly scared of and why? It's important you get down to the root of why. Once, the why is kno...